“If I ever become a Saint–I will surely be one of ‘darkness.’ I will continually be absent from Heaven–to light the light of those in darkness on earth.” Mother Teresa
As I sit here preparing something to write, I draw a blank. People have asked that I give an update on how I’m doing a year later from returning from my hospitalization at Orillia Soldiers’ Memorial Hospital and Homewood Health Centre. But I don’t know what do say.
Do I say that everything is fine? Do I say that I still struggle? Do I say what people want to hear? Or do I say the truth?
I’ve tried to always be transparent, so I guess I’ll just give you the truth.
How am I doing a year later? Hmm…I’m…ok. Not great, but ok. Let me explain.
Everyday I wake up and I have to push myself to get up. I would prefer to stay wrapped up cosy in the safety of my bed. But life calls. So I struggle to get myself ready. I have an organization I need to run. I am a mom that needs to see to the kids. I have to keep moving.
After I’m up and ready, and the kids are at school, I start work. Each email, meeting, project, takes so much energy. I’m tired. All. The. Time. But I push through.
By the end of the day, I just want to crawl back into the safety and comfort of my bed. I sleep, but don’t feel rested. Then I get up and do it all again.
Do I find joy in life? No, no really. Am I “happy”? Sure I am. I have a good life, great family, fulfilling job, amazing community. But I still miss the joy. Part of this may be due to the fact that I’m still on lots of medication to help keep my bipolar at bay. Medication can make a person feel numb. Part of it may be the new normal that I have to accept. I don’t really know.
So, a year later, I still struggle. The darkness is still holding me back. But I’m functional. I don’t think I’m depressed per se. But I do have to watch myself that I don’t go down too far.
On World Mental Health Day, I see so many posts and encouragement about talking openly about mental health. But it’s not always as easy as it sounds. Being a leader of my organization, I have to be “on”. Being a mom, I have to be “on”. So I push myself day in and day out. And I decided to be real on this blog, once again. Not easy, that’s for sure. But worth it if it helps at least one person to continue fighting.
I’m currently reading a book on Mother Teresa called Come Be My Light. Did you know that she felt so much darkness throughout her life? Yet, she trusted God’s call and she pushed through. Mother Teresa truly inspires me. If she can push through her darkness, so can I.
I will find joy again one day. I have no doubt. Until then, I will continue to get myself out of bed and face every day. 🙂