I tried again. I tried to stop taking my medication. I was doing great. I thought I could do it. I won’t say I failed, but I just couldn’t do it.
I just read my own blog post about medication (read it here: To Medicate Or Not to Medicate; That Is The Question
So, why go off my medication if it’s working? Good question. It’s my ego. My ego tells me that I should be strong enough not be controlled by a little white pill. The chemical imbalance in my brain must be be healed by now. I mean, it’s been almost 4 years since I’ve been taking medication. That’s enough time, right?
I started off great. The first 2 weeks were really good. I had weaned off very, very slowly, just as the doctor had suggested. Then, at about 3 weeks, I started experiencing that manic feeling again. I just couldn’t stop. I was crazy busy at work, we started a renovation project in our house and life was just go, go, go! Yes, everyone gets busy. I know that, but it was the feelings that came along with it that were troubling. My breath felt short, my heart raced faster, my brain wouldn’t stop and my need for sleep was less (insomnia sucks!). I started forgetting things. My confidence began to fade. Then irritability set in. Ugh. Look out!! I couldn’t stand people, which is a huge warning sign for me. Finally, the tears came; in the morning, at work and at home.
I even started doubting God. Is he not enough? Is my Christianity dependent on a little white pill?
I was reminded that I have a medical health disorder. If I were diabetic, I would take insulin. If I had cancer, I would have chemo. Intellectually, I know all these things. Yet, I still felt I could do it on my own. I guess I needed a reminder of the nature of the beast. It still sits inside me, waiting for an opportunity to pounce. But I won’t let it!
It was time to accept the facts. Yes, I did indeed need to continue medication, at least for now. Of course, there’s a part of me that feels like I failed, that I’m weak, that I’m not strong enough. That is simply not true. I am strong. I am capable. I am loved. I did NOT fail. This is just a part, (a small part) of who I am.
And no…my Christianity is not linked to the little white pill. God is my refuge and saviour. He was with me through every single moment.
Have you experienced trying to wean yourself off medication? How did you manage?